crash

[written in the hospital, age 16]
Everything becomes more real.
No. Actually, what happens is that you suddenly realize the difference between what is REAL and what you thought was real before.
Crash. And suddenly everything gets shifted around. You realize how important your friends and family are. Because by yourself you are totally helpless. Without God’s mercy you can do nothing. So you lay there, barely able to move, feeling rotten inside. Unable to imagine a time when you’ll be better. Scared because you have no guarantee you will ever get better. Thankful because it could have been so much worse. So grateful that God spared your life. That he actually cared enough to protect you. So your life is important. There is a reason that you are alive! But sometimes you feel so guilty for bringing everyone so much hardship. They look at you and their eyes well up with tears but you can’t help wondering if they aren’t secretly thinking that you deserved it? You weren’t being careful enough and you ruined the care and now nobody has anything to drive and your parents are so upset, have to take time off work and there will be a huge hospital bill to pay off and insurance will go up…And still all these people come and smile and give you a present. They say “I love you.” And you have to believe them. You have to.
So you lie in bed, feeling the pain. It’s getting better but not fast enough. You don’t fee llike doing anything, definitely don’t feel like eating but you foce yourself to. And the doctors tell the nurses to make you walk. So you walk and it’s slow and you feel so ugly and after you just lie in bed like you were about 100 years old and you wait for the pain to fade.
The nurses and doctors don’t come as often anymore. You’ve already got bruises and marks and infection from their IVs and blood samples and you don’t like the way they’re always asking questions and shining lights in your eyes when you’re just so tired. Just let me be. But you act like you feel just a little bit better and they expect you to run a marathon.
At night there are no visitors and it’s dark and you’re alone and your mind is thinking. You think “How could it happen?” You can’t remember and when you start to remember you feel sick and scared so you close your eyes and try to sleep. But weird pictures come into your mind and turn into nightmares where you’re in danger and you can’t wake up. Because that was what the accident was like. But now you do wake up and your muscles are tensed and your body is hot from the fever. But at least when you sleep you can’t feel the pain.
Life is precious. You only have it once and then it’s gone. No second chance. Unless you’re really lucky. Then you realize what you didn’t realize before, how precious and fragile life is. Most people have no idea. They can’t, until they experience something like this. And often by then it’s too late. So hopefully I can tell other people what has become so clear to me, so that they won’t make the mistake of taking life for granted.