[from a journal i kept when i was 9]
1. dimples
2. dark skin
4. to be caring (apparently 3 was hidden somewhere else)
5. to dress well
6. to smile alot
7. to be cute
8. to be around my age
9. to be funny
10. to like pizza
11. to like hamburgers
12. to be forgiving
13. have blond or BROWN hair
14. be ambitios (sic)
15. be hyper like me
16. like Christian Rock
17. to have brown eyes
18. to want a dog or cat
19. love animals
20. to be fun to have around
21. loving
22. to like to read
23. to be silly
24. understanding
25. to have a good job
26. to be smart
well, i think my 9 year old self would be pretty satisfied with the end result. perhaps a little work could be done on 15-17 but you can't have it all. happy anniversary, honey.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Monday, September 5, 1994
chapel speech excerpts
Most of you here would probably not want your parents to get in a conversation with my parents about driving. You see, I know how it feels to want to drive, to have to convince your parent s over and over again that you’ll be fine driving by yourself. You hate hearing about all these horror stories of teens who got in accidents right after they first got their licenses. You’ve probably heard more stories than you wanted to in drivers’ ed. I remember sitting there watching the videos and hearing my instructor warn us that at least half of us would have an accident within the year. After awhile you sort of get sick of everyone warning you. All you can think about is how great it will be once you can drive. Finally you’ll have freedom!
For me, it was a very long wait to drive. I had my permit seven months before my 16th so I had lots of time to practice with my parents. Even after I got my license, I had to learn to drive a stick shift in order to drive alone and then gradually I got the freedom I wanted.
I hadn’t really driven with a lot of other teenagers because I got my license before most of my friends did. But the kids I had driven with seemed to [do fine]. I’d get rides home with kids from Youth Group and they’d speed along, the music blaring. I thought that was the way you were supposed to drive. It didn’t seem cool to actually follow all the rules. Rules were made to be broken.
So I felt pretty invincible driving around with my friends. I considered myself a good driver, which meant I was a pretty aggressive driver. I’d get mad if someone went under the speed limit. Didn’t anyone know that you’re supposed to go above the speed limit?
The Sunday before school started my best friend and I went to visit a couple of friends in Zeeland that we’d met at Convention ‘94. After, we’d made plans to meet my parents at the Christian Conference Grounds in Holland for the church service there. It turned out that we had an hour to spare in between time so we stopped in Holland for supper at Dairy Queen. After supper we each decided to get a Blizzard and take it with us. So we head down I-31 North. It’s about 5:00 and I’m feeling like the average teenager. The windows are rolled down, the radio’s turned up and I’m cruising at about 65 in the fast lane. The blizzard was between my legs and everyone once in awhile I’d take a bite. The last thing I remember happening was I glanced down to get a bite, looked back up and saw that the car had veered towards the median. I turned the steering wheel to straighten it out and lost control of the car. Suddenly we were speeding along on the grass and that’s when I can’t remember anything else. The tire under me blew which caused the axle of the car to break. The car then flipped over and skidded upside down across the south bound lanes of traffic. I didn’t come to until I was in the ambulance [I remember though hearing the workers with the jaws of life as though through a fog, and a floating feeling, a sense that I was looking down on things, and then hearing the workers talking to me and the ambulance driver telling me to stay with him. I started gaining consciousness and I remember him telling me as we sped toward the hospital "Just rest in the arms of Jesus." I thought I was dreaming. When they asked me my name and the year, I had no clue. They asked me who was the president and all that came to mind was "Jefferson" which is funny because I'd recently seen on Jeopardy that Jefferson was Clinton's middle name.
I was rushed to the hospital. It was the scariest time of my life. They took x-rays and more x-rays and I lay on a stretcher with an oxygen mask. When my parents arrived, I must have been a scary sight. My hair was full of blood and I was vomiting and in shock. It turns out I had two fractures in my skull, had torn all the ligaments in my neck, and had lacerations from the seatbelt that saved my life.
They transferred me to Butterworth Hospital where they took care of me in the E.R. and then brought me to Intensive Care for the first night to monitor the swelling in my brain. I spent the next 8 days in my own hospital room and most of the time I was pretty sick. They fed me through an IV the first 6 days because I couldn’t keep anything down. I was pretty miserable.
During this time, however, I had many, many people praying for me. For instance, at the Conference Grounds, a policeman came during the church service to take my parents to the hospital. They made an announcement and it turned out the preacher himself had lost a teenager in a fatal car crash. So he stopped where they were in the service and led a prayer for us. At that moment, over 1000 people were praying for me. What an amazing thing. And my church was full of people-some of whom I didn’t even know-who prayed for me daily. This is not to mention all of my family, friends, teachers who kept me in their prayers. I was so thankful for that. After 8 days at Butterworth I transferred to Mary Free Bed and was there another week. Through their therapies, I started walking again and made lots of improvement. Most of the patients there were much worse off than me and so I was able to see just how lucky I am not to be injured more seriously.
So what’s my point? Well, I know that God spared my life for a purpose. And I thin kthe accident happened for a reason too. Maybe just to prove to me that I’m not so invincible after all. It’s a very scary thing to have such a close brush with death. It makes you realize how precious life is. And I don’t want any of you guys here to have to go through what I did or worse. I don’t want your parents to have to go through what I did! So please, I know you don’t want to hear it again, but be careful. Life is too good to take risks with. Driving is fun because you finally get some freedom, but it can be dangerous. So don’t take any chances. Please.
For me, it was a very long wait to drive. I had my permit seven months before my 16th so I had lots of time to practice with my parents. Even after I got my license, I had to learn to drive a stick shift in order to drive alone and then gradually I got the freedom I wanted.
I hadn’t really driven with a lot of other teenagers because I got my license before most of my friends did. But the kids I had driven with seemed to [do fine]. I’d get rides home with kids from Youth Group and they’d speed along, the music blaring. I thought that was the way you were supposed to drive. It didn’t seem cool to actually follow all the rules. Rules were made to be broken.
So I felt pretty invincible driving around with my friends. I considered myself a good driver, which meant I was a pretty aggressive driver. I’d get mad if someone went under the speed limit. Didn’t anyone know that you’re supposed to go above the speed limit?
The Sunday before school started my best friend and I went to visit a couple of friends in Zeeland that we’d met at Convention ‘94. After, we’d made plans to meet my parents at the Christian Conference Grounds in Holland for the church service there. It turned out that we had an hour to spare in between time so we stopped in Holland for supper at Dairy Queen. After supper we each decided to get a Blizzard and take it with us. So we head down I-31 North. It’s about 5:00 and I’m feeling like the average teenager. The windows are rolled down, the radio’s turned up and I’m cruising at about 65 in the fast lane. The blizzard was between my legs and everyone once in awhile I’d take a bite. The last thing I remember happening was I glanced down to get a bite, looked back up and saw that the car had veered towards the median. I turned the steering wheel to straighten it out and lost control of the car. Suddenly we were speeding along on the grass and that’s when I can’t remember anything else. The tire under me blew which caused the axle of the car to break. The car then flipped over and skidded upside down across the south bound lanes of traffic. I didn’t come to until I was in the ambulance [I remember though hearing the workers with the jaws of life as though through a fog, and a floating feeling, a sense that I was looking down on things, and then hearing the workers talking to me and the ambulance driver telling me to stay with him. I started gaining consciousness and I remember him telling me as we sped toward the hospital "Just rest in the arms of Jesus." I thought I was dreaming. When they asked me my name and the year, I had no clue. They asked me who was the president and all that came to mind was "Jefferson" which is funny because I'd recently seen on Jeopardy that Jefferson was Clinton's middle name.
I was rushed to the hospital. It was the scariest time of my life. They took x-rays and more x-rays and I lay on a stretcher with an oxygen mask. When my parents arrived, I must have been a scary sight. My hair was full of blood and I was vomiting and in shock. It turns out I had two fractures in my skull, had torn all the ligaments in my neck, and had lacerations from the seatbelt that saved my life.
They transferred me to Butterworth Hospital where they took care of me in the E.R. and then brought me to Intensive Care for the first night to monitor the swelling in my brain. I spent the next 8 days in my own hospital room and most of the time I was pretty sick. They fed me through an IV the first 6 days because I couldn’t keep anything down. I was pretty miserable.
During this time, however, I had many, many people praying for me. For instance, at the Conference Grounds, a policeman came during the church service to take my parents to the hospital. They made an announcement and it turned out the preacher himself had lost a teenager in a fatal car crash. So he stopped where they were in the service and led a prayer for us. At that moment, over 1000 people were praying for me. What an amazing thing. And my church was full of people-some of whom I didn’t even know-who prayed for me daily. This is not to mention all of my family, friends, teachers who kept me in their prayers. I was so thankful for that. After 8 days at Butterworth I transferred to Mary Free Bed and was there another week. Through their therapies, I started walking again and made lots of improvement. Most of the patients there were much worse off than me and so I was able to see just how lucky I am not to be injured more seriously.
So what’s my point? Well, I know that God spared my life for a purpose. And I thin kthe accident happened for a reason too. Maybe just to prove to me that I’m not so invincible after all. It’s a very scary thing to have such a close brush with death. It makes you realize how precious life is. And I don’t want any of you guys here to have to go through what I did or worse. I don’t want your parents to have to go through what I did! So please, I know you don’t want to hear it again, but be careful. Life is too good to take risks with. Driving is fun because you finally get some freedom, but it can be dangerous. So don’t take any chances. Please.
Friday, September 2, 1994
crash
[written in the hospital, age 16]
Everything becomes more real.
No. Actually, what happens is that you suddenly realize the difference between what is REAL and what you thought was real before.
Crash. And suddenly everything gets shifted around. You realize how important your friends and family are. Because by yourself you are totally helpless. Without God’s mercy you can do nothing. So you lay there, barely able to move, feeling rotten inside. Unable to imagine a time when you’ll be better. Scared because you have no guarantee you will ever get better. Thankful because it could have been so much worse. So grateful that God spared your life. That he actually cared enough to protect you. So your life is important. There is a reason that you are alive! But sometimes you feel so guilty for bringing everyone so much hardship. They look at you and their eyes well up with tears but you can’t help wondering if they aren’t secretly thinking that you deserved it? You weren’t being careful enough and you ruined the care and now nobody has anything to drive and your parents are so upset, have to take time off work and there will be a huge hospital bill to pay off and insurance will go up…And still all these people come and smile and give you a present. They say “I love you.” And you have to believe them. You have to.
So you lie in bed, feeling the pain. It’s getting better but not fast enough. You don’t fee llike doing anything, definitely don’t feel like eating but you foce yourself to. And the doctors tell the nurses to make you walk. So you walk and it’s slow and you feel so ugly and after you just lie in bed like you were about 100 years old and you wait for the pain to fade.
The nurses and doctors don’t come as often anymore. You’ve already got bruises and marks and infection from their IVs and blood samples and you don’t like the way they’re always asking questions and shining lights in your eyes when you’re just so tired. Just let me be. But you act like you feel just a little bit better and they expect you to run a marathon.
At night there are no visitors and it’s dark and you’re alone and your mind is thinking. You think “How could it happen?” You can’t remember and when you start to remember you feel sick and scared so you close your eyes and try to sleep. But weird pictures come into your mind and turn into nightmares where you’re in danger and you can’t wake up. Because that was what the accident was like. But now you do wake up and your muscles are tensed and your body is hot from the fever. But at least when you sleep you can’t feel the pain.
Life is precious. You only have it once and then it’s gone. No second chance. Unless you’re really lucky. Then you realize what you didn’t realize before, how precious and fragile life is. Most people have no idea. They can’t, until they experience something like this. And often by then it’s too late. So hopefully I can tell other people what has become so clear to me, so that they won’t make the mistake of taking life for granted.
Everything becomes more real.
No. Actually, what happens is that you suddenly realize the difference between what is REAL and what you thought was real before.
Crash. And suddenly everything gets shifted around. You realize how important your friends and family are. Because by yourself you are totally helpless. Without God’s mercy you can do nothing. So you lay there, barely able to move, feeling rotten inside. Unable to imagine a time when you’ll be better. Scared because you have no guarantee you will ever get better. Thankful because it could have been so much worse. So grateful that God spared your life. That he actually cared enough to protect you. So your life is important. There is a reason that you are alive! But sometimes you feel so guilty for bringing everyone so much hardship. They look at you and their eyes well up with tears but you can’t help wondering if they aren’t secretly thinking that you deserved it? You weren’t being careful enough and you ruined the care and now nobody has anything to drive and your parents are so upset, have to take time off work and there will be a huge hospital bill to pay off and insurance will go up…And still all these people come and smile and give you a present. They say “I love you.” And you have to believe them. You have to.
So you lie in bed, feeling the pain. It’s getting better but not fast enough. You don’t fee llike doing anything, definitely don’t feel like eating but you foce yourself to. And the doctors tell the nurses to make you walk. So you walk and it’s slow and you feel so ugly and after you just lie in bed like you were about 100 years old and you wait for the pain to fade.
The nurses and doctors don’t come as often anymore. You’ve already got bruises and marks and infection from their IVs and blood samples and you don’t like the way they’re always asking questions and shining lights in your eyes when you’re just so tired. Just let me be. But you act like you feel just a little bit better and they expect you to run a marathon.
At night there are no visitors and it’s dark and you’re alone and your mind is thinking. You think “How could it happen?” You can’t remember and when you start to remember you feel sick and scared so you close your eyes and try to sleep. But weird pictures come into your mind and turn into nightmares where you’re in danger and you can’t wake up. Because that was what the accident was like. But now you do wake up and your muscles are tensed and your body is hot from the fever. But at least when you sleep you can’t feel the pain.
Life is precious. You only have it once and then it’s gone. No second chance. Unless you’re really lucky. Then you realize what you didn’t realize before, how precious and fragile life is. Most people have no idea. They can’t, until they experience something like this. And often by then it’s too late. So hopefully I can tell other people what has become so clear to me, so that they won’t make the mistake of taking life for granted.
Friday, October 1, 1993
Sophomore year English journal entry (undated)
*What are your goals in life?
-to be "smiley," full of life, and have an inner joy that everyone around me can see and appreciate
-to make the most of whatever I have, whatever situation I'm in and to be content
*What are your pet peeves?
-being left out, when my friends keep secrets because I'm such a curious person!
-when people form judgements about something/someone without knowing anything about it!
-not being allowed to do things: like drive or try out for plays or go out with guys
*What scares you?
-spiders
-talking on the phone during thunderstorms
-my bus drivers--he's crazy
*What do you love?
-debate, persuasion, deep conversations
-fireplaces
-romance
-Levi's, shopping, trying on clothes
-skiing and acting
*What do you look forward to the most?
-weekends-going out
-my 16th birthday
-moving to a new house
-going to WA
-college (moving out)
*What are your worst traits?
-very emotional at times
-impatient
-picky
-to be "smiley," full of life, and have an inner joy that everyone around me can see and appreciate
-to make the most of whatever I have, whatever situation I'm in and to be content
*What are your pet peeves?
-being left out, when my friends keep secrets because I'm such a curious person!
-when people form judgements about something/someone without knowing anything about it!
-not being allowed to do things: like drive or try out for plays or go out with guys
*What scares you?
-spiders
-talking on the phone during thunderstorms
-my bus drivers--he's crazy
*What do you love?
-debate, persuasion, deep conversations
-fireplaces
-romance
-Levi's, shopping, trying on clothes
-skiing and acting
*What do you look forward to the most?
-weekends-going out
-my 16th birthday
-moving to a new house
-going to WA
-college (moving out)
*What are your worst traits?
-very emotional at times
-impatient
-picky
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